Nye's journal

But all I get is bitter and a nasty little rash

2008-07-24T18:11:13Z

I am home. No puppies. No puppies whatsoever.

I am a cat person now, that's a new thing.

Looks like I'm pet-sitting for another 24 hours at least

2008-07-23T10:43:23Z

I have an attention-seeking puppy to deal with, and I'm feeling quite needy myself!

Answer some questions for me if you like:

Do you dance? Do you dance drunk, or dance sober? Disco/salsa/ballroom/shoe-gazing/something else?
If you have an itch in public, do you scratch it? Do you publicly scratch some areas and not others?
Have you tried walking around on a hot summer's day with a vest/[ew]'wife-beater' on with your arms above your head so your pits catch the breeze? You really should, it's fab.
Tell me a trashy eat that you enjoy.
Send me some reassurance that I'm going to get through the next day or so! How the hell do you manage it lizblackdog?

I had a good sleep last night :D

Yay

2008-07-22T17:40:58Z

I'm feeling much better.

Good stuff:

I had some time out at my place. I feel rested.
R may be coming home tomorrow.
I managed to get the puppy out of the house, all the way to the vets!
I treated both of the cats with flea medicine, even the one who is quite scratchy when cornered.
I had the most amazing food today. Tuna sushi wrap with chilli. Oh gods the tuna was so moist, and the hotness hurt nicely. Hot and moist! I'm doing that again, I can tell you!
Flipping pizza is on its way!
I received an apology.
I talked to a hot person on the bus because the puppy licked their leg.

Quickie

2008-07-21T07:18:35Z

Off to pet/house-sit in NW London today.

There was a pretty person at the Pembury last night. I got to flirt with and snog them, and got mercilessly teased by aster13 in a fun way. Flirting with an audience is... special.

Male, female, other, decline to state

2008-07-20T10:09:53Z

View Poll: Genders

Comment if you have more to say. Suggest books if you like :-)

nyecamden @ 2008-07-19T10:11:00

2008-07-19T09:08:20Z

Linked to on tickybox

View Poll: Sports Day

new hair pic

I'm going to let it grow over the next few weeks, and just before BiCon I shall have another trim then bleach it.

Handstands in the little pool

2008-07-17T09:22:38Z

Free! 4 pack of 160g tins of tuna in spring water. London only.

Every time I've been to Rio's since I transitioned I come out with angst. Argh. I want somewhere where I can be naked in front of multiple people, and I want to be able to use a sauna without having hassles because of being trans. The two things don't necessarily have to be combined. Burbling on, processing.

AHG: I don't take my wife here. Why do you beautiful women come here when you know us men are looking at you?

AG: Would you like a massage?
Me: No
AG: That was a quick no! If you change your mind...

TG: *sits too close to me*
Me: Could you give me some space please?
TG:*shakes my hand, goes to hug and kiss me²*
Me: *defensive body language*
Later...
TG: I am Effer¹, I am Turkish. What's your name?
Me: You don't get to know my name. *leaves, to his mimed/friendly protestations*

There was a guy shaving his dick in the shower!

There were plenty of friendly people there, but it was far from relaxing, especially in the jacuzzi. I really wanted to relax my leg muscles too. I'd done weighted squats earlier. I was *hoping* to use the mixed changing room, but they'd put a sign up saying 'Gentlemen'. Bah. I had a thought of sucking some c*** in one of the private rooms, but I was way too uncomfortable to do that.

I'm thinking I could use [particular sex club] to be naked in; I could get someone to paint something on my chest like 'transman' or 'don't assume'. Where can I go to a sauna though? Saunas are so gendered :-(

¹ I didn't hear him properly
² I think there were cultural and language problems; I don't think he intended to wind me up. I couldn't deal with him after that though.

Bit of a lack of stuff and things.

2008-07-16T10:02:26Z

I like this:

Gill (measurement)

Imperial unit of volume for liquid measure, equal to one-quarter of a pint or five fluid ounces (0.142 litre), traditionally used in selling alcoholic drinks. In southern England it is also called a noggin, but in northern England the large noggin is used, which is two gills.

Source. Emphasis mine.

I'm a bit lonely today. I'm staying in until training, and I won't really be doing much else other than 1.5-2 hours with Elisio. You can leave a comment if you like, maybe answer some of these questions/requests:

What is the thing that you like most about yourself?
What do you think about anti-fat versus fat positivity? Do you think there is a middle ground?
When you buy food, do you buy it thinking more of cost or of ethics?
Tell me a joke.
Tell me you think I'm hot (but only if you mean it!)

Carer: care for yourself

2008-07-15T08:41:23Z

Oh dear gods I am burnt out. I've been doing a mixture of lots of busy and fun things, and caring for people in pretty practical ways. I am shattered. This week I am much more free, and I am going to make a lot of effort to not volunteer to do things. (Am still available on Thurs though V)

This week I am responsible for my own physical and emotional well-being.

I had a good and relaxing time with earwigmc yesterday.

Will do housework and exercise today, maybe lie on the grass somewhere for a bit. One of the good things about summer is lying on the grass.

Relaxation is stress

2008-07-14T12:04:03Z

peace is war... cut for possible violence triggers

I had a couple of beatings in the early noughties, and they were pretty serious ones. Strangulation/multiple punches to the head/death threats. As a result, I am a very jumpy person. How the hell do I relax in a relaxation class when there is the extremely slim chance that someone could beat me up? My emotions amplify the risk, and my logic does not get through.

I had the beginnings of a panic attack in the relaxation class, so I left before it got any worse. The work directions physiotherapist told me that there was a possibility of one-to-one sessions with her. Hm.

I had the usual escape fantasy afterwards (suicidal thoughts). It's so dam hard! What is the point, I asked myself.

There are beautiful things happening in my life daily. I have friends and acquaintances who like me, people who love me, a fantastic place to live, no worries about money, a fitter body, the Internet, games, I am useful. I can enjoy this moment, here and now.

I'm off to see earwigmc shortly, I'm really looking forward to that. You are teh cool earwigmc.

Burp

2008-07-13T09:52:15Z

I saw foibey this weekend and I didn't cry! I am very pleased about this. I started to mist up a bit when she went, but no tears. It's taken me long enough though!

The answer to the **** is lube.

My flat is very messy at the moment. I think I need some help with it. I'm still hypomanic though, so I keep wanting to chase the shiny rather than do housework. Dirty plates and food waste in the living room is a *bad* thing. As a way to get started, I'm going to tidy/clean three things then stop if I need to; keep doing that until it's done. As soon as I finish this entry and the coffee I'm drinking, I'm going to put the food waste in the bin and move the plates to near the sink, then wash up the plates that are already in the sink. That will be a start.

nyecamden @ 2008-07-11T11:43:00

2008-07-11T10:38:04Z

Other people's nightmares are boring.
Last night I dreamt that my personal trainer and my soon-to-be-person-I-care-for had become one person. They gave me a hard time for forgetting exercises and forgetting items on a shopping list. Very stressy.

Friends' tweets

2008-07-08T10:38:09Z

[redacted1] Embarrassing is... having your mother catch you reading erotica.

immediately followed by:

[redacted2] Hoping I'm not mothering someone..

I OLO but still, amusing.

Operation Clubbing: But the cool people will not like me!

2008-07-05T17:46:48Z

Good news: the cool people don't actually exist, apart from in my own head. I shall call them imaginary cool people (ICP).

ICP think that I am worthless because I haven't got a full-time job that I drone on about.
ICP think that because I am a bit stilted at small-talk some of the time, I am a complete waste of space.
ICP think that I am not goth enough to go to a goth club, not trans enough to march with the trans people at pride, and generally not enough for anything.
ICP think that I should make more effort at dressing up even though it's a real struggle to find fancy things in my size
ICP think that I'm pathetic by waiting for Testosterone to have significant effects on my appearance before I start wearing make-up¹ again.
ICP only think I'm worth anything if I sleep with them.

Fcuk my negative inner voice!

I plan to go out this evening. To a club thingy. Yikes. I'd better not take any ICP with me! I shall take this positive stuff:

I am a carer, and that is worth something. I am a human being who does their best to survive and help others, which is worth something.
Small talk sucks. Fcuk small talk.
I am an indie kid. I will always be an indie kid. Happy with that. (I'm not going to a goth club tonight.)
I wear clothes that make me feel comfortable and sexy... and that fit me! I shall wear my DMs, they make me feel good.
No-one cares whether I wear make-up or not.
If people care about my appearance, then it's their problem not mine.
People like me. Even people who I've never [blank]ed!
I can people watch, and/or listen to what other people have to say²

I marched with the bi people at pride today. Too scared to march with the trans people. May deal with that in another post. I love my bi peeps.

Update: mission one of Operation Clubbing had a mixed outcome. I was able to enter the club and have a look around, but there were lots of people/noise/confusing arty stuff. Got touched from behind several times which induced a panic attack; while I was recovering, someone grabbed my hips from behind as they entered the DJ booth. I left, after punching a bus ticket machine. Got a nice calming bus home (63).

Clubs are noisy and contain people who touch strangers without their knowledge/consent. Do I *really* want to go clubbing? Even if I do stop freaking out when someone touches me from behind, clubs still have a *lot* of stimulating things going on in them.

There is gaming. Gaming is good. Other things are good: water, sex, friendship, stuff.

¹ Thick black eyeliner or sparkly stuff.
² If I can hear myself think.

nyecamden @ 2008-07-04T14:07:00

2008-07-04T13:03:02Z

Everyone else seems to be doing this...

View Poll: Questions

It's supposed to be fun

2008-06-30T08:48:11Z

I'm still finding it difficult at the Pembury.

Flipping heck, I talk about anxiety/shyness/being a social mess an awful lot. It must be really flipping tedious for other people. Argh. What do I do though, when I'm sitting at a table feeling really horrible and not saying anything to anyone? Knitting is good, but it doesn't stop me feeling horrible; it stops me looking like I'm feeling so horrible.

I know I can do socialising well some of the time. Can't I concentrate on that? And maybe ask people to play a game with me if I can't think of anything to contribute.

I felt so stupid last night. Why do I socialise with intelligent people? Argh.

Anti-circumcision and ballet shoes!

2008-06-28T21:40:04Z

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. butch/femme score: 3
2. at home birth score: 3
3. anti-vaccinations score: 3
4. cuttings score: 3
5. midwife score: 3
6. breath play score: 3
7. outdoor sex score: 3
8. marking score: 3
9. anti-circumcision score: 3
10. ballet shoes score: 3
11. flogger score: 3
12. cheap stuff score: 3
13. master/slave relationship score: 3
14. home births score: 3
15. stanmore score: 3
16. attached parenting score: 3
17. gender identity score: 3
18. shy people score: 3
19. nigella lawson score: 3
20. adoptee score: 2

changed by ouwiyaru based on code by ixwin
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I enjoyed going to abigailb's birthday thing, though I was having a bit of a shy day. Bumped into some people that I wasn't expecting to bump into. Very tired now, got period. Maybe one of my last ones :-) Mound of food was rather torturous, ah well.

Ooh, I meditated first thing this morning. Before checking email/lj! I has a meditation CD.

nyecamden @ 2008-06-27T09:17:00

2008-06-27T08:12:40Z

I may be a little hypomanic. I'm committing to too many activities, rhyming more, making more bad jokes, hardly spending time at home. However, thanks to the mood stabilisers, I am not going to make any big stupid decisions like moving across the country or whatever.

Please tell me if I am acting like a wanker.

Looks like today is a multiple posting day

2008-06-25T12:35:18Z

My motherfcuking 'yes to hormones' letter has come through! I am troyful and trappy! Not to mention trexcited. The letter was sent to my GP and CC'd to me. As soon as the GP office opens after lunch I am making myself a double appointment, a single if I can't get one soon. Jab me with the T, make me scream into my handkerchief.

You may comment with 'yay' 'woo' and 'congratulations' or whatever. Oh my flipping word!

I'll tell you when my first *stab Nye with a syringe through the muscle* day is.

Dream

2008-06-25T08:53:36Z

Other people's dreams are boring. Last night I dreamt that I came to the aid of a wheelchair user who was stuck in an underground station that didn't have disabled access at all. The only way I could get him out was to steal a canal barge and get him onto that. We got a bit lost then were chased and caught by the police.

Mmm

2008-06-24T19:51:34Z

Livejournal Darkroom Orgy v2.0

Last year's was such fun. Come on, hot friends-list: post your LJ ID to that entry and I'll comment on it if I think you're hot; other people will do the same. I am here.

I have an mp4 player to play with, going to put stuff on it for my friend who is going into hospital.

Nice face, shame about the legs

2008-06-24T17:26:01Z

Oh my word I am busy this week! I'll start with an amusing (to me anyway) encounter with *bubbly het guy* at the gym. BHG has been on at me for a little while to go for a coffee with him, and today I gave him my numbers. A while ago he had shown me correct form for dumbbell bent rows, so he's in my good books. Today though, he gave me the fat girl complement of 'you have a pretty face' (you can't just say 'you're pretty' to someone you perceive as a fat girl, oh no!) and I came out to him as trans, which he took a while to get. 'So you're really a woman but I pretend you're a man, right?' Er, not quite mate! In all, I think he was hitting on me and I was clueless about that until the direct compliment. He has agreed to treat me as 'one of the lads', but I can't really see that happening until I've been on T¹ for a while.

Babblings:

Went to the gym Monday and Tuesday (today), and tomorrow I have an appointment with a personal trainer. Tomorrow I also have a *poke the dolescum back to work* thing and slimming club. Tomorrow is busy as fcuk. This evening I'm going to R's house to talk pets. I am having my lunch for dinner, didn't really feel hungry straight after the gym. I was there for 2½ hours doing a full body workout with weights. I don't usually go for that long, but I decided to work on my legs. I usually leave them. They're going to be jelly tomorrow I think! I did lunges, squats and calf raises, all of which were weighted. Thursday I plan to go to the gym before work and then socialising with aster13 in the evening hopefully. Friday is blissfully free. Saturday and Sunday look like they're going to be pretty social.

¹ I am still not on T. Waiting for the letter. Waiting. Argh.

Everybody needs good neighbours

2008-06-20T15:04:40Z

Sometimes I want to say this to my neighbour:

E, I have nothing against other people using Cannabis, but when they ring my bell instead of yours at all times of the day and night to buy dope from you, I feel murderous rage for you and your customers. It's not just when they ring my bell in error either: the constant traffic of people sets my nerves on edge. If you were dealing crack or H I would have reported you months ago, but stoners don't cause any real threat to me. I know you're not going to give up dealing, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Argh. It's not much of a big deal, but argh.

He's a pretty friendly guy, as are his customers. That's part of the trouble! Endless flipping friendliness! I want a bit of gruff denial of each other's existence from my fellow Londoners, that's what I'm used to. I'm not going to get that on this community-minded estate though. This is not what I thought the inner city was like!

Hat!

2008-06-15T11:50:44Z

I think I want an Australian hat to protect me from the sun or the rain. It has to be black. It has to have a wide-ish brim. I'm thinking of the bushranger one on this site. What do you think?

It would give me hat hair, but would protect me from the nasty sun.

nyecamden @ 2008-06-14T12:09:00

2008-06-14T11:04:43Z

I've decided not to go on the World Naked Bike Ride today. Maybe after surgery (this is a year or years away). I'm staying in and playing Scrabulous instead.

I was just reading an interesting article in The Guardian about over-processed breakfast cereals and their nutritional dodginess. Yay for muesli and porridge! Wanna know what I had for breakfast? Mushroom and Spinach omelette done with spray and fry. Yummy! What did you have for breakfast?